BalanceBeam Sample

Here’s This Week's BalanceBeam™

This Week’s Question:  

Why do women see things so differently from us….so differently that we get in trouble because we can’t fathom their response to an event or comment?  

What seemed to have happened:  

Example: Your wife or partner casually mentions “I might like to go to visit my mom this weekend.” You hear the comment as an idea she is pondering and think no more about it, assuming when she decides, she will let you know. Sunday afternoon, you notice she is really cool toward you so you ask whether something is bothering her and she says “No.” When you probe, she begins to cry, saying, “You stayed out in that garage all weekend and didn’t give a thought to what I wanted—you didn’t even do the chores I asked you to do.” You feel ambushed, unfairly accused, ready to blast back with a defensive response, or “What???”  

The suggested approach/Language to use:  

OK, Ace, own up to it…you really could have headed this one off at the pass by asking when you first heard the mention of a “plan,” something like this: “So I’m hearing you are thinking of visiting your mom…Is that a firm plan or are you still just thinking it over?” or “That works fine for me, should I lock that in for Sunday?”  

But since you didn’t do that….now the dialog needs to be different: (first, NO defensiveness!)  

“Honey, I’m sorry, I really should have asked how definite your plans were. I thought you were still thinking about what to do and we’d decide later. Going to see your mom would have been fine for me, I just misunderstood. For the future, I’ll try to remember to probe what you say to find out how definite your plans are. And you’re right, I forgot the honey-do list. I’ll get on that right now and finish by tomorrow night.”  

The skinny (what’s really going on here):  

Possibly she assumes you will not want to go and will see this as an imposition on you…so her indirect language is a “trial balloon” to get a reaction and barring no resistance, she sees it as a “done deal” (conflict avoidance). A major difference in male/female communication is this indirectness/directness approach—which drives both sexes crazy. But we’re wired very differently on this kind of thing. (Your bluntly direct approach is not the best way either.) And yes, she should not have tied the chores to this “transgression,” but do you really want to fight that battle right now? Fact is, you did forget so just apologize and move on.  

What to work on this week:  

Get in the habit of confirming back what she says at the time to avoid misunderstanding (and a fight) later. This may feel awkward to you to “parrot” back what you just heard, but actually to the listener it feels really good, like you are paying close attention. Try it this week—not just with your partner, but in other important conversations as well. It can be a life saver!