How to be a MIB

It is doubtful much will change about your life unless you change spiritually. This doesn't mean you have to become an ascetic or track down a spiritual guru, but it does mean investigating the larger part of yourself which you possibly neglected as you worked on building a career and family. All of us need spiritual roots. Decipher what that means for you and do some serious work on it.

Where do you start? Pray. A lot. Then talk to your minister or another trusted person who may help you along your journey. Be open, ask what he or she has learned and what insights they have gained along the way. Then jot down some spiritual goals for yourself and start to work. Also, there are numerous books to help with spiritual development which you can find online, in your church library or in bookstores.

 

Your wife should be your best friend and your most loving critic. This is the person who knows you best and you may do well to listen to her counsel. Her feedback is intended to be a demonstration of love. While it may seem that wives can be terribly critical of us, we need to hear their feedback non-defensively—easier said than done, to be sure. Learning to truly listen to her, especially when it is news you don’t want to hear is a demonstration of your love.

Next, take her out on a date. Ask for her thoughts and truly listen. Resist any tendency to talk about your own concerns, just listen and encourage her to talk more. She needs your acceptance and this helps a lot.

The most important thing you can do as a father is to raise emotionally healthy children. The best way to do this is to model an image of manhood they will want to emulate and value. If your idea of manhood has been to appear tough and strong, try being vulnerable and empathic. Contrary to what you may think, this is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Children (of all ages) need your acceptance and encouragement, not your criticism and challenge. Saying "I’m really proud of you" can work wonders!

Even if you have made mistakes in your relationship with your children, ask permission to "start over." Begin anew with total respect for their viewpoint no mater how distasteful it may seem to you. Your ability to influence them is much greater if they know you will listen than if you argue with their judgment or logic. Ask questions which will guide them to a better decision, viewpoint, etc.

 

Perhaps your work life is already in balance. If so, congratulations. However, many of us focus more and more on our career--sometimes at the expense of family and relationships. If you have missed a number of family events or if you have lost touch with close relationships, it may be time to re-examine your life and decide what you're giving up for a successful career. There is a way to balance the equation. It may require tough decisions or long conversations with your family and employer, but in the long run it is worth it. We tend to believe it is our providing for our family that demonstrates our love and commitment—and that is important. However, the family needs our presence, our spiritual leadership and our "real time involvement" in their lives. Ask your wife and children for a "report card" on your involvement in with the family, and promise to work on any deficiencies.

Nothing gives us a better feeling about ourselves than helping others. And we can’t do this with financial contributions as a substitute for "sweat equity." Churches and volunteer non-profit agencies are in great need of your talents. Ask your minister or someone with good community connections for suggestions where you might fit in. Or just look through the phone book for agencies involved in the kind of things you enjoy or feel strongly about. Then, roll up your sleeves and enjoy the rewards.

Are you waiting on a signal from God as to what He wants you to do? Usually it doesn’t work that way. Make a move. Offer your help. Join a committee or group active in something that matters to you—the need will be plenty obvious and you can be sure God will do his part on the guidance piece. Of course you should pray about this, but don’t "rust out" waiting for a lightening bolt from the sky.

Investigate who you are, what influences in your life made you the way you are. Work on areas that need improvement.

Self-awareness is not something we acquire automatically. There are too many ways we can fool ourselves and see only our positive qualities. If there are areas of your personality which are getting in the way of close relationships or causing conflict at work, tackle them. Get some counseling or ask close friends or family members for feedback. At work, inquire about 360 degree feedback, if appropriate. Make it your business to learn everything you can about your own makeup so you can become the best person you can be. A clue: if you saw dysfunctional behavior in your parents or siblings, chances are you have some of that yourself! Be honest with yourself. Listen to any feedback you have received at home or work and, instead of reacting defensively, ask for details and examples you can learn from. Then map out a plan for your own growth—even if it is unpleasant at first. (It should be noted that many men whose career is derailed late in life are surprised to learn the reason is unproductive or dysfunctional behavior. Unfortunately, no one told them. And since they did not ask, the behavior eventually brought them down. All the more reason to ask—don’t wait to be told.)

It goes without saying: if you are involved in an affair, end it—now. It will drain you spiritually and may destroy your family. Beyond that, get rid of negative, uninspiring relationships that keep you from being your best person. It is hard to see good in someone if all your associates are gossiping about that person or putting them down. Take a relationship inventory. Grade each one on its healthiness and adherence to Christian values. Act accordingly.

It’s hard enough to focus on the important things in life without being distracted by "stuff" we accumulate mindlessly. Often we rent storage buildings to hold it all. What’s wrong with this picture? Give that stuff away, unclutter your life, resolve to think more mindfully about how you spend your resources. Then put your focus on the things that really matter—your health, your spiritual development and your interaction with your family.

This includes alcohol! Be honest with yourself: are you drinking too much or drinking to avoid unpleasant issues? Deal with your issues without the "crutch" of alcohol or other drugs. If the issues are too difficult for you to handle alone, get some help from your church or a professional counselor. Life is too short to waste even a day on troubled relationships, dysfunctional behaviors (yours and others’). Live transparently. Ask others to do the same. Be who and what you say you are. It will do wonders for your self image and improve your life immeasurably.

Set goals in whatever areas you feel are important: spiritual, financial, personal growth, exercise—all of these add to your quality of life. Asking someone to hold you accountable increases the likelihood you will follow through.

What is your reaction to the "requirements?" Too much? What is missing? Send us your feedback to meninbalance.org 20908 N Main Cornelius, NC 28031.

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