How to Have a Healthy Disagreement
We’ve mentioned before that some of the most unhappy couples never disagree—and wear that as a badge of honor, saying, “Oh, we never disagree.” We’ve also mentioned that in many of these relationships, healthy disagreements can actually help improve the overall relationship.
But what we haven’t talked about as much is how to have a healthy disagreement—an argument where both parties win, and where each person feels heard and understood. The happiest couples aren’t afraid of disagreeing because they know that it’s an opportunity to solve a concrete problem while also coming close together—a genuine win-win situation.
There are many different strategies to have a healthy discussion with your partner so you can handle conflict effectively rather than avoid it. In this article, we’re going to cover three concrete tactics you can use to have healthy and effective disagreements:
The first is to use “I” statements, not “you” statements. When disagreeing, it can be easy to fall into the trap of “you” statements, such as “You always do this,” or “You did this wrong.” These statements are rarely helpful because they put the other person on the defensive side—suddenly they feel like they have to defend themselves.
Instead, try using “I” statements, such as “I feel angry when you do that,” or “I don’t like the way you did that.” When you use these first person statements, you are making it clear that you’re speaking from your own perspective and experience, which is dramatically different than blaming the other person.
The second is to set aside time to have the discussion rather than talking about it in the same moment an issue arises. Whenever you feel a disagreement coming up, try not to get caught up in the moment, and instead step back and say, “Hey, why don’t we talk about this after dinner?” A statement as simple as that has enormous benefits in that it instantly defuses the tension between the two of you—which creates the space for you to have a healthy discussion later on.
When you set aside time to have the discussion, it also gives both of you time to cool down, which means that you’ll be much more able to have a logical and rational conversation without getting caught up in the emotional aspects of the issue.
The third and final tactic is to repeat back to your partner what you hear them say to you. So many otherwise healthy discussions spiral out of control due to simple miscommunication—when you say one thing and your partner hears something entirely different. It happens more often than you might think, which is why a simple, “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying…” can work wonders in ensuring that you’re both on the same page.
Obviously there are many more components of a healthy disagreement, but these three tactics are in many ways the minimum viable elements of a healthy discussion—which means that if you do these three things and nothing else, your discussions with your partner will become significantly healthier than 90% of disagreements between couples.
